This past weekend, Christian asked me, "Do you wake up and have a struggle with eating or not eating meat everyday?"
No. My answer was no. I do not go to my refrigerator and feel as though I am torturing myself because there is a big slab of meat in front of me while I reach for my tofu block. When I go to restaurants I hone into menu items that are for me, and everything else becomes a blur. Admittedly, at times some meat dishes smell good and I think I want it, but it's because there is a memory associated with it.
For example, deep fried fish makes me recall when my mom and I would go to our local Asian market and get a whole fish deep fried for dinner. I could smell it on the car ride home and when we got home, my dad had made a fresh pot of rice and we would dig in with our chopsticks. It is about the experience I had with it and they bring that warm comforting feelings for me.
There are times when I have a random craving, even if I don't smell it, like wanting to bite a piece of steak with A1 sauce on it. But then I think about it some more, and the feeling passes.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I am reminded of the wonderful memories I have with this holiday. Our family is Vietnamese/American and we like to get together over lots of food. Traditionally we have had two tables, one had a full spread of the American version of Thanksgiving, a turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, ham and so forth. The other table the Vietnamese/Chinese food, roasted duck, roasted pig, fried rice, chow mein, Vietnamese egg noodles soup, banh beo, banh bo and more and more. My aunt was always so caring in trying to create the American Thanksgiving for the kids to be part of that tradition. We would load our plate up with the Vietnamese food first. Then round two was filled with the American food. Then the noodle soup would come after.
Dessert included pumpkin pie, apple pie and the array of Asian desserts that all the aunts would bring over. We always had leftovers which was left out for us to come back to after we had gathered in front of the TV to watch football or spread out on the floor to go through the sales newspapers. We would plot out what we would want if we had the money. The adults would get together to discuss things, politics, famly issues and so forth. Then the cousins would break up into small groups, the girls would talk and catch up. Once in a while, you will see one of the cousins get up and get a small plate and put the stuffing on it and a little bit of roasted pig.
Throughout the day, we would peck at the food with our small servings. Gather around, disperse then gather around. We never sat and formerly spoke aloud what we were thankful for, instead, we all knew that our time together was very special and precious.
When we look back on these times, we forget about the arguments that may have or not have occured. We always remember how we had managed to get 8-9 families together, to eat, to talk and to share. I remember when I first made twiced bake potatoes and broke my mom's food processor because I didn't really know what I was doing, but I also remember my nephew saying they were so good. I remember that feeling every time I make potatoes. I remember him calling me and asking if I was going to make potatoes again. I remember my aunt, tired as she was, waking up early and making the turkey. I remember my grandma's face as she looks around to see us all together.
Now, as a vegetarian, my food choices at Thanksgiving are limited, but I make the best of it, by volunteering to take on the food dishes that I have always enjoyed, stuffing and mashed potatoes. By doing these dishes I can continue to share and be part of the tradition but also share my own food choices with my family. Stuffing without chicken broth is still delicious, and fresh stuffing is even better.
There are times when I do feel left out because of my dietry choices. Sometimes I want to share a dish with friends or Kris, but I can't. Friends and Kris have always been very supportive, but I can't help but feel left out when others are enjoying all these dishes on the table and commenting on them and sharing that moment of understanding, when I am here with my one vegetarian dish. I am conflicted with choices at times when my 80 something grandma has made her famous noodle soup and I don't eat it, but I have thoughts such as, "I should eat this now, because later on, when she's not here, I will regret it." In those moments, I just remember that I have enjoyed her food for the past 22 years and I do have memories of them and I do remember what it tasted like.
I have to remember, I have my own memories and my own moments with the foods I have created. I have shared the pleasures of a tasty vegetarian/vegan dishes with friends and family. And I will continue to do so, and I will continue to not share some foods with close friends and family, but it's going to be okay, because I am still in that moment with them.
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